Remember me?

Okay, I apologize. I dropped off the face of the cyber-earth for a while there, but I'm back. Why am I back you might ask? Well, I guess I kind of have a new mission, muse, subject, whatever... And also, I've figured out why I was gone. This is a loooong one, so go grab a cup of coffee, I'll sing to myself 'til you get back.... "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time...." la la la

You see, I've finally discovered why I can't stick to anything (no, I'm not made of Teflon! Although the discovery of Teflon is actually a really cool story... ) Okay, I won't digress, maybe I'll tell you that story some other time. I've decided to share my discovery with you. I'll try to blog about what's going on, maybe I'll even write a book, it'll be titled "House Full of Crazy", what do you think? I imagine this will be one of those "Epic Journey" kinda things, because now that I know what my problem is, I plan to try to solve said problem. I'm taking you with me. A literary sneak peak for you.

My discovery? I have adult ADHD. I just figured it out.

Well, not really, we've joked about me being ADD for years, but only in a couple of little ways. You see, I always pictured ADHD people as those who can't sit still, are always doing a million things, speak out-of-turn or inappropriately, etc. None of that really applies to me. I tend to be more super-low energy and put a lot of thought into what I'm going to say. So, while we joke about how impatient I am, I never really thought I fit the mold. Then I took a test...

Here's how it happened: I was sitting at my computer (like always), my house was a mess (like always), and I wanted to get motivated to get up and clean it (like always). I googled "procrastination" and one of the first things that popped up was a site about ADHD with a quiz telling you whether or not you have it.

Here are some of the questions that came up:

Do you have a messy house?
Do you start many projects but never finish them?
Do you pay bills late because you've misplaced them or forgotten about them?
Do you have trouble concentrating on what others say because you're too busy composing your next sentence?

Do you hate waiting in line, or being on hold?
Do you have a lot of "chatter" in your head?
Do your thoughts bounce around like a pinball machine?
Do you "tune out" boring or mundane people or tasks?
Do you constantly lose or forget things?

Um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and so on! I scored 72 out of 75 and when the results were tallied it basically said "GET TO A PSYCHIATRIST IMMEDIATELY". Really. The word IMMEDIATELY was honestly in all caps! 

So, wow. It was kind of enlightening to think that I'm not just lazy or have no willpower or whatever, I've actually got a "disease" and like any disease there is treatment available. Cool. It turns out that instead of having a hyperactive body, I have a hyperactive mind. There's meds and therapy to fix it! Or at least help. You think I might actually get organized? Get my house cleaned?  Arrange my filing cabinet? Deal with a slow internet connection without going off the deep end? Sweet!

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Here's the funny part...Well, if you aren't ADD you might not see the humor... When Jim got home that night I told him what I'd discovered and that I AM going to go see a therapist to get all straightened out. But me being me, I asked him to remind me the next day to actually make the call and get an appointment. He did. I tried.

I googled around for a therapist near my work and found one only a couple of blocks away, so on my lunch break I went down there. The office had mood lighting and soft background music. There were plants and lamps and mellow colors, just what you'd expect. The hippy-dippy receptionist took some information from me and told me the therapist would call me on Monday to set up an appointment. What? Call me on Monday? Don't you understand? I HAVE ADHD!!! I can't wait until MONDAY to set up an appointment!!! I want an appointment right this very minute. And if I can't actually get an appointment for right this very minute, I want you to look in your little book and tell me exactly when I can have an appointment. Then I can take out my trusty cell phone, enter the appointment into my calendar, and set a nifty alarm telling me exactly when my appointment is. Wait till Monday, sweet Baby Jesus that's gonna drive me NUTS!

It's not Monday yet. I don't have an appointment. I told Jim I should have said I was suicidal. Bet that would have gotten me on the damn mood-lit books!

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In case you know me and you're kind of thinking I'm making this up or whatever, I want to give you a taste of a couple of hours in my head... 

My husband often asks me what I did all day. This is a tough one for me and I usually just produce a blank stare.

"Well, I um...unloaded the dishwasher."

It went something like this:

I got up, and while I walked to the coffee pot I hummed the chorus from "Like a Virgin". Then I had my coffee, smoked a few cigarettes, and poked around on the computer for an hour or so. "Touched for the very first time". On the MSN homepage there's an article about tasty chicken recipes that looks interesting. I cruise around the recipe site for a while and find one I want to try. So I figure I'd better go get the chicken out of the freezer and put it in the sink to defrost. "Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin". I get to the kitchen and see that the sink is crammed with dirty dishes, so I've got to do something about them before I can take out the chicken. But first I need to unload the dishwasher. "When your heart beats next to mine". I get about 1/2 way done unloading the dishwasher when I have to pee, so I head to the bathroom. When I come out of the bathroom (which is right next to the laundry room) I realize that there's a load of jeans in the dryer to fold so I start folding laundry. Within a few minutes the phone rings and it's my mom wanting me to check something out for her online. "Gonna give you all my love boy". So I go to the computer to google it and decide first to check my email. In one of my emails there's a link to an interesting story about the Large Hadron Collider, so I click on that and start to read. Within the story there is a mention of Quarks. What's a quark? I wonder, so I click the link and try to find out. The quark story leads to a link about black holes. Holes? Wait! Jim's got a pair of jeans that need to be mended."My fears are fadin' fa-ayast". So I get up from the computer and go rummage around in the closet for the holey jeans. I can't find the jeans, but I do find Katy's baby book. Awwww, I flip through the book looking at just how sweet she was when she was tiny. Which reminds me, I promised to mail her dad a statement from the insurance company. I go to my desk, rummage around for the statement, I can't find it, but it's too late, the mail lady has already come and gone, so I put on my slippers and traipse out to the mailbox anyway. "La La La La only love can la-ayast". (Irritating, isn't it?) I see that there's a notice that some bill hasn't been paid, so I come back in and sign back on and go to my online bank to see if I can afford to pay it. I should, but I instead I notice that there's a charge for $65.00 from Arco that I didn't know about. Arco! Doh, I promised Joe I'd get him some gas for his bike before his lesson today! "Oooh like a virgin". So I change from the slippers to flip-flops and head out to the garage for the gas can. While I'm out there I notice that the horse's water needs to be filled so I turn on the hose. While I'm waiting for the water to fill I check my little garden for veggies and sure enough, there are zucchinis ready to be picked, so I pick the zucchinis and head back toward the kitchen where I notice that I've left the dishwasher hanging open. "Touched for the very first time".I realize that Jim will be home in 1/2 hour so I'd better start making dinner, but before I can do that I need to finish unloading the dishwasher, which I do. See? I was busy all day.

What I did:

unloaded the diswasher

sang (in my head) the chorus  of a song that I HATE about 2,000 times

What I didn't do:

defrost the chicken

fold the laundry

check on my mom's stuff

fix the holey jeans

send the statement to Glenn

pay my bill

get Joe's gas

turn off the horse's water

and a million other things that needed to be done!

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So to make a short story long, what I thought was early Alzheimer's is actually late ADHD. I know I've had it all my life, I was just never really bothered about it until I realized that it's probably responsible for many of the day-to-day issues that negatively impact my life. The main one being my inability to finish anything. I see now that I don't even start many things because I know that my endless self-editing and perfectionism will make a simple task nearly impossible. Aaargh! I will be happy if I can just keep a tidy, somewhat organized house. Hell, if I can complete only half of what I start, the second half of my life ought to be productive and successful. Wish me luck!

Please comment, advise, nag, and tag.

moto joe

I told you a couple of weeks ago that I was letting Joe ride Katy's motorcycle, remember? Well, as I suspected, it didn't take long for him to get very bored with that, so he tuned up his YZ105 and started begging to ride it. Now keep in mind, the 105 is not the big fast bike, but it's certainly no putt-putt either. So, since he'd actually gotten off the couch and did a little work, I rewarded him by reluctantly agreeing to let him try it. As soon as I nodded my head he started jumping into his gear. Kinda looked like a firefighter when the tones go off, I think he had the whole get-up on and was out the door in about 60 seconds!

I trudged out to the very dusty track to watch. I had 911 on speed dial and as much as I wanted a couple of Valiums and a bottle of wine, I soon realized that I really didn't need them. He was fast and smooth and in control. Was he being careful? Well... If there's no crying in baseball, there's no careful in motocross. But he was being mindful of his limitations and he wasn't jumping.

My whole point in writing this is to tell you about Jim. When he found out that Joe had ridden the race bike he kinda blew a gasket! A three-hour "discussion" ensued with all of us voicing our opinions about Joe's readiness to ride, the merits of riding Kate's bike vs. the 105, Joe's limits and whether he is aware of them, yadda yadda yadda. The conversation wasn't really heated, but we certainly weren't all in agreement. Jim felt that he was not ready. Joe felt that he was. And I felt that ready or not, he'd actually be more careful on the faster bike because he has more respect for it. Anyway, Jim's final word was "We aren't going to agree, so either way one of us isn't going to be happy". Fair enough. Mom's the tiebreaker.....

(insert Jeopardy music here)

"Honey, why don't you just come out and watch him for a little bit? You can see how he does, and then I'll let you make the final decision."

(more Jeopardy music)

Here's the gist of the phone call I got from Jim at lunchtime the next day. "We're going to have to get a new chain for that bike so he can race next week."

Well, we certainly don't agree on that! I don't want him racing, so I'll be the one unhappy. Men are retarded, whether they're 13 or 30ish. Sheesh.

summertime

Well, summer has finally arrived! I looked at the long-term forecast this morning and it's nothing but little sunshines for the next 10 days and beyond :) Yay! I guess that means I'd better start watering things. It seems no matter how hard I try, I just can't get very excited about being a gardener. I understand that it is very therapeutic to many people, but to me it's just work. Work that makes my fingernails all yucky chipped and dirty. Of course, putting pretty little flowers in pre-made beds is not too bad, it's the weeding, pruning, cleaning, hauling, whacking, digging, raking and mowing that feels like a lot of work to me. Wish I could afford a landscaper...

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Well the kids have been at their dad's this weekend, so it's been awful quiet around here. Nice. You're probably picturing us running around the house half naked enjoying our freedom, but noooo... Jim wrenched his neck really bad on Friday, so we spent half of yesterday at the doctor's office getting him checked out, then another hour at Walmart getting his scrips filled. It was so beautiful out I wanted to go DO something, but the poor guy could hardly hold his head up, so I brought him home and tucked him in at about 3pm and he slept for a good 4 hours. Of course I should have used that time to clean the house or weed the garden or clean out my car, but instead I sat on the couch and flipped between the dog show on Animal Planet, Motocross on Speed, and Intervention on A&E. Strange taste in TV, I have. Doggies, druggies, and dirtbikers--oh my.

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We also ran around and got together Kate's big birthday gift. Took two days to find just the right stuff... I can't tell you about it now, cuz she might read the blog, but suffice it to say we spent way too much money and she's gonna LOVE it :)

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K, I gotta go get moving. Sorry about the spotty blogging, it's hard to keep up in the summer. And of course, now that I am working I don't have my morning hours to sit in front of the computer. It's okay, I'm liking the job and Lord knows we need the money. So, until next time -- ciao.

boring

Seems I was wrong about the digital needing new batteries...What is needed is a new digital. The one we have got dropped out of a vehicle and is broken. Bummer :( because we had all these cutey patootey cousins roaming around the place this weekend and I have no pictures to show for it. That makes for a boring blog. My apologies!

I'll just describe the scene for you: Mom and James in the RV, Nick, Jen, Elijah and Amelia in Kate's room, Joe and the dogs in his room and Katy on the couch. It was a house full, but it will be even worse on the 19th when we are having Kate's big birthday bash. Then we'll add Sandy, Jeremiah and their kids and probably a dozen squealing teenage girls. I think we've invited about 30 people so far. It should be barrels of fun! My wonderful Mom gave me some $$ to help pay for the party, THANKS MOM!!! I'll make sure there's a working camera on hand so I can get pics.

Overall we had a very nice 4th. The weather cooperated, someone else cooked, the kids blew stuff up and still have all their fingers, what more could you ask for?

Sun's out and I've gotta get moving--Ya'll have a bitchen day :)

work

Well, I started my new job yesterday... So far so good. New jobs are wierd ya know? I met probably 40 people yesterday and don't remember any of them, I walked a mile around the campus (in heels) and couldn't tell you how to find the cafeteria, and I got about a dozen new computer sign-ins and have no idea what half of them are for. S'pose I'll figure it out.

Speaking of heels, I wore my almost-cutest shoes yesterday. They were $4.99 on the super clearance rack at Mervyn's about three years ago. I LOVE THEM! I am working with mostly women, mostly 40ish, and apparently mostly with shoe fetishes, because I had about ten of them come to meet me because they'd heard how cute my shoes were :) There's a hint for any of you starting a new job, wear uber-cute shoes and everyone will remember you!

I stood in my closet at 6 o'clock this morning searching for something to wear and realized that I have great shoes, lots of cute skirts and slacks, and about three shirts :( So after work today I stopped in my favorite consignment store and bought a couple of shirts. I need more, but I will wait until I get my first paycheck so I don't have to justify more expinditures to my DH. I'm really not a dress gal, which is too bad, because a nice dress is easy, you don't have to match anything... Maybe I'll go dress shopping next time.

I was going to post a pic of the uber-cute shoes, but the camera's out of batteries. Maybe tomorrow.

C-ya